Let me tell you about the place where I left my heart…
This was the actual paper I was given so that I could figure my way around the island my first week.
4,100 miles away from my home in California, a place called Moorea exists. Its a heart shaped island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and since I was 12 years old I have been so perpetually been pulled to this place.
I couldn't tell you what it was that kept me so fixated to a place I had never even heard of. Without seeing pictures, every hearing the correct pronunciation of the place, or legitimately knowing where in the world it was, I had made it my life goal to end up there. The people closest to me can tell you how badly I needed to go there. They heard about Moorea more than a travel magazine did. And no matter what I did I felt as if it was the one thing I needed to do before I felt as my life could start. I didn't know if it was to fulfill something I was missing, or if I had something there waiting for me. Funny thing is that my mom also always joked with me by telling me the love of my life would be waiting for me there. But that part I can tell you about later (:
I got my first job at 15, working surf camps. I told myself all my money would go to taking a trip out there, even if I had to go alone. I made planned out boards that calculated exactly what I would need, and how much I would need to go. And for a teenager, that was a lot of money. Every year from then on I told myself I would go. But every year something came up.
After my 20th birthday I had enough. College, and studying took over most of my life and I was always under the impression that I had to keep saving and saving more and more money. Practically hoarding it. However, after summer of 2018 I told myself that for my 21st birthday I would be in Moorea, French Polynesia no matter what it took. Alone, or broke I really didn't care.
It didn't take long for everything to line up. I never wanted to go as a tourist. To stay in a fancy bungalow over the water, and only interact with other people at a resort was just not cup of tea.
Photography and the ocean. Those are my biggest passions, and it's a good thing that they go together. I just wasn't aware that those would be the two things that would bring me to the place my should was aching for.
February came along and school had already started to tangle itself into my schedule. But after one face time call with Titouan (founder of coral gardeners in Moorea), and Temoana (the whale whisperer) my life had changed forever and I hadn't known it yet.
After a 20 minutes we decided i’d move out there for 3 months, and be the photographer for Coral Gardeners.
So that was my purpose.
I never had really thought my passion for photography and the ocean would lead me there, especially because I had never really been much of a diver before the trip. But with absolutely no hesitation I jumped at this opportunity. In one week I dropped out of school, and had my ticket booked to leave in three weeks. Ive never really had a problem with leaving home, but until March 7th came I also didn't really think too much about the fact that I had a one way ticket and would be moving to a foreign place with new people, un familiar territories, and water.
The ferry ride from Tahiti to moorea almost felt like the dream I had when I was 12. And as the tiny island started to appear in my line of vision, I knew I was where I belonged.
In that moment, I was exactly where I needed to be.
I got to put peoples names to their faces, and was so quickly brought into my new family.
Temoana and Titouan became my brothers, and so graciously shared their home with me. Waking me up when it was dark was their favorite thing to do to get a surf in before a work day. Even though their morning faces didn't show it. Nemo never wiped a smile off his face, especially when we were stuffing our faces with fresh fruit, and we could spend hours diving together, because honestly just watching him and Tit in the water was memorizing as it is. With one day apart for our birthdays Tit and I also similarly have about a gazillion things going on in our heads, but I've never seen someone so involve with what he is doing even when the only profit is making the oceans around his home a better place.
The rest of the team never ceased to put a smile on my face every moment of the day. And always were stoked too.
Tamatea (tam) and Mohea became my sisters as well.
photo by Pierre Lambert
I think it took Tam and I about 30 minutes total to realize we were the other versions of ourselves. We dove together every day, cooked the most random meals out of leftovers for everyone after diving, binge watched queer eye every night, and always had a swimming buddy while the boys surfed and I was shooting. (love you sis!)
And Mohea, my roomie, as well as the person who I would also talk to for hours, would never say no to binge eating an entire Allo pizza every Sunday. And that’s exactly what we did in between swimming around all day.
Amir, Taumata, Pierre and Justin are some of the people that transformed the meaning of those three months for me as well. I met them all my second week in Moorea.
Pierre allowed me to be his roomie for the week, as well as share his stoke on creating with me. He allowed my to break the ice of discomfort I had of being in front of the camera, rather than only behind it. He took me away from my camera and encouraged me as a photographer to show the world who was behind my lens. Plus I don’t think 5am wake up calls were ever funnier than they were while he was there.
Amir, thought I was from Germany for the first two days of our friendship. But never let a moment go without making some funny remark, and also was the healthiest person I've ever seen travel to French Polynesia. Because he didn't eat baguettes with us. However, his devotion to the film he was creating was something that was so evident that you could see it from a mile away. Not one part of his entire being didn't go into that documentary and being able to see him create that was genuinely inspiring.
Taumata is from Tahiti. Born and raised. He is without a doubt my family, by choice. While the rest of the guys left after their stay Taumata began to work for Coral Gardeners, and became what I believe to be is my guardian angel, and brother. I truly can’t, and won’t ever be able to thank him enough for everything he helped my with. Moving to a new country was something that could have been scary, however, not once did I not feel protected due to his presence (as well as others) in and out of the water. Whether it was car rides around the entire island of Tahiti, the food trucks with pad thai and fries, practicing diving, making the best meals, dancing to Jack Johnson, and talking for hours about our dreams. Taumata made Tahiti my second home.
Now for the person that I was talking about earlier, the one my mom said I would most likely meet in Tahiti. (which I thought would be a joke, but wasn’t)
Justin, who from the first day won me over. They say you get a feeling when you just know. And boy did I know. The first thing we did together was surf. Check. I met my person in Tahiti. Literally my second and better half. However, I never knew if i would see him again which I just had to deal with. From the sunrise missions every morning when he was there, to the surf sessions, late dinners, watching the stars before the sun rose, to our dives at the kaveka dock, this one boy was wrapped up with a thousand feelings. I saw him completely devoted to the work him and Amir were doing, and that was something I loved being apart of. Flash forward three months, and after endless face time calls, ridiculous time zones, and unbelievable story of how we somehow got “us” to work, he is still ever so apart of my life and the part of Tahiti that got to come home to California with me. (love you, if you're reading this, and I'm so happy that I found you even if it took 20 years, and for me to go to a tiny island in the pacific too.)
I met some of the most amazing people within the next couple of months as well.
From Cristina Mittermier, an amazing ocean conservation photographer who I look up to as an ocean mom, and role model.
As well as, Milaydie and Elizabeth who let me show them around the island, and grew new and close friendships with. And they even surprised me with my own blender. Which was a BIG DREAL because I hadn't had a smoothie since I got there, and that changed everything for me as well as everyone around me who I obsessively made smoothie bowls and avocado vegan mousse for.
To Jack Johnson, who's family loves so deeply, and generously that I think my heart was smiling for the rest of my trip. And to dance with a flower in my salty hair to banana pancakes, after planting coral couldn't have sounded more surreal when I told my sister back home.
From the large mountains that I woke up to every morning which make up the island, to the raging waves beyond the reef which humbled me, the air around Moorea was new every day, but filled with its unexplainable magic.
I can do a lot more explaining but my journal expert from a month into my trip pretty much encompasses what my heart was feeling….
“In each situation the ocean teaches me new things. I always said the ocean was my church. It’s my place of solitude and tranquility. It’s where I feel connected to myself and god. The ocean has always brought me peace, even if I am getting thrashed by waves on the shore. Under the surface you learn to take a breath and slow down. I ease my mind as I sink to the oceans floor.
It has taught me to settle like the sand after being disrupted, and that even though things never truly stop moving, you still can find your place. All around the world the ocean is new. All interconnected, but still all it’s own.
The coasts of Costa Rica have show me that even when things seem everlasting, that the earthly ones will end. In Europe I have seen the anger of the seas and the bitter cold winds fight, yet I found joy myself in seeing where the winds would take me. In the Caribbean I learned that consistency will either bind you, or will let you find the silver-linings. Hawaii allowed me to pursue, and to never stop trying even if things don't go the way you tried to plan it. And the ocean that surrounds this little island of moorea has taught me more than I could even write. but most of all it has showed me that despite all of your fear, sometimes it takes the courage to just jump in and be submerged to feel right at home.
Its taken me my whole life to physically get to this place, and to feel rooted in the person I have always been. Because we are human and often can get swayed by the world around us. It took every bit of me to trust god in leaving everything to pursue my calling to come here. And like my favorite book says, where your tears fall is where your treasure lies. Whether they were tears of joy from being here, tears due to fear of the future, or tears of second guessing before I even left my comfortably, I have definitely left salty droplets trailed behind me and beneath my feet where I stand now on this island. I have found clarity like no other here, almost poetically as crystal clear as the oceans water. I have trusted god with things that I have absolutely no control over, which seems cliche but truly took me this long to FULLY do because I know sometimes I would hesitate to loose my own control. But oh how beautiful it is to free fall into grace with the certainty that you will always be okay.”- journal excerpt written April 10, 2019
(maybe I still have water in my ear from diving like an addict, but I carry that place with me everywhere.)
I created a lot during my stay there, thousands of photos actually. But I also created a new perspective to life. I created a family . And I found the place that my heart can so restfully reside in.
Never in my life will I regret dropping out of school to chase this dream of mine. Because just like a paper degree this is something no one is able to take away from me. And I'm in love with that.
I was taught that it doesn't take a degree to stand up for things that are voiceless. Age is also just a construct to make you feel less capable of chasing your dreams. And if Titouan has taught me anything is was to jump head first into life shouting “its fu**ing ON!”.
I believe pictures always speak larger than words, and I have more photos than I know what to do with. So I will add those. But on one last note I do have to mention that although my trip came to an end a few weeks shorter than anticipated due to my sisters health at the time, I truly got to see how much each one of these individuals who reside Moorea have made a impact on my life. The island is beautiful, and as a photographer I was obsessed with the insane beauty around me but it truly is the people who make a place extravagant.
With that I will end this overdue blog with my last journal entry from the plane ride home as tears ran down my face.
”Life changes pretty quickly. Foreign places can become home, strangers can become family. You have no control over the future but every second living in the present is a choice you have to make it positive.
I am thankful to call these people my family. I’m thankful that Moorea, the heart of French Polynesia, now forever has a part of my heart. I never knew why I felt so drawn to this island my whole life but I sure am glad I listened to my heart and somehow ended up here. Now knowing that it wasn’t just to take photos, or help save the oceans, but it was to meet each and every one of you. Don’t get me wrong I love the comfort of home but it also made me comfortable with the people I surrounded myself with and that sometimes can be detrimental to the well being of myself. You all value family, respect, show positivity, encourage others, work hard at what you do and do it with all your hearts, and in the midst of all of that I have heard more genuine laughter with this group than I have anywhere else.
I can’t wait to see what the future holds. It can be scary but the confidence I have gained in the last two and a half months from literally just going for it, is something I never want to forget because it has led me to one of the greatest treasures i’ve found.
mauru’uru family. ♡
